7th Book Launch
NC: Hello I'm the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it so you don't have to. Camera pan of the scene around him NC (voiceover): I'm here in Oak Park, Illinois, where we are witnessing the largest gathering in Illinois--if not the United States!--of ***** ****** fans, who have all gathered here together to celebrate the release of the new ***** ****** book, ***** ****** and the ***** *******. Ah ah, ****** *******. Literally thousands of children, parents, and very lonely adults have come out here to see what J.K. Rowling has farted up this time. ***** ******: Exactly. NC: Now I know what you're thinking: "How is this a Nostalgic event?" Well when you think about it, there's actually a lot of Nostalgia value here. Years from now, children are gonna be looking back at this cherished day and be asking one question: "Why did I wait hours in line for a book that I am most likely gonna sell at a garage sale?" Montage of scenes of the event NC (speaking to an employee): Alright, so what exactly is your job here tonight? Employee: Making sure everyone is in the right line, at the right place and nobody's fighting over their spot. NC: Have any brawls/fights broken out yet? Employee: I've had arguments. NC: No I mean like brawls- Employee: No, no brawls, no fists. NC: You haven't had to break out the ***** bats? Employee: No, no, no ***** batter. NC (shocked): Do you have ***** bats? Employee: I hope not... Short scene NC (in front of an event item stand): They actually have "******'s Butter Beer." Cause nothing celebrates the release of a children's book like getting plastered off your ass. Short scene Adult Fan: This is Griff, this is a baby gryffon. It's actually my daughter's. NC: That's your daughter?! Adult Fan: No no no, this is not my daughter. NC: Oh, okay. I was gonna say, cause the father must've...hahaha, yeah. Adult Fan: Well I wouldn't know about that. ******: You're meddlin' in things that ought not to be meddled in! NC: So does he bite at all? Adult Fan: Oh no no no. He's young NC (putting his finger into Griff's mouth): OWOWOWOW! Montage NC: Everybody's dressed up here. I haven't seen so many wizards and fairies since last year's Gay Pride Parade. NC (talking to ***** ****** Look-Alike): Now there's a rumor going around that you're actually the son of Mary Poppins and Where's Waldo, what do you think about that? HPLA: ... ***** ******: SHUT UP! NC: There's also this exciting stage production that they're doing, it's called "***** ****** and the Winding Up of the Electric Cord." As you can see...he's a method actor. *****: Fame isn't everything. NC (talking to a dressed-up fan): Now I gotta ask you, what poor sheep died to give you that beard? NC: I have some ***** ****** Jelly Beans. The funny thing about ***** ****** jelly beans is, I'm not kidding, there's a vomit flavored bean in here. Which I'm kinda surprised about cause really eating any of these jelly beans creates kind of a vomiting sensation. Eats some jelly beans, gets sick ******: Looks like he's gonna be sick! NC pretends to vomit into his hat NC (talking to bearded fan again): Okay, what bathroom rug gave up its life to give you that beard? NC: Alright, so I'm here with the very first people in line for the ***** ****** book, now how long have you guys been here? Teenaged fan: Technically we weren't in line until 11:00. NC: It's 11:13... Teenaged fan: Yeah ******: Codswallop. Teenaged fan: How long have you been in line? NC: I just got here. Teenaged fan: Uh huh, well you call yourself a ***** ****** fan? NC: No, I don't! Frodo would kick *****'s ass. NC (coming across a man dressed as a wizard): GANDALF! Thank God, look these ***** ****** people are a little WOOHOO! Honestly, come on, how's Frodo? Gandalf: He's doing very well, very well. NC: How's him and Sam? Is the...you know, you saw the movie. Come on, him and Sam were... Gandalf: He's in the Grey Haven. NC: Is that what they're calling it, the Grey Havens? Gandalf: Yeah, one fantasy land's another fantasy land. NC: Did Gandalf wear glasses? ******: No more questions! NC (back with "first fans"): I have to admit, I admire you that you'd wait here for a whole...you know, 13 minutes. Teenaged fan: Hey! NC: But unfortunately this spot WAS reserved...by me. Teenaged fan: I'll kill you. NC: Yeah, I'm just gonna sit here...just wanna get the book! Oh what is he gonna do, does he have a wand? Teenaged fan: No, he has a gun. NC: He has a gun? Okay, let's go before he shoots us. NC: I'm here at the end of the line for the ***** ****** book. These are the four unfortunate people who will most likely NOT get a book, because they are the last in line. NC (addressing closest fan to him): But you're very lucky, cause I have something special, the ***** ****** Cliffnotes. Now they usually go for a thousand, but you know, I like you guys you're a good sport, so I'll give them to you for 2000 and your first born child. ...alright, second born child. one of the fans hands him a dollar NC: I'll take it. Takes the dollar and hands them the envelope NC: SUCKERS! NC: Alright, so I'm here with the ******net.com people, am I right, you guys talk about all sorts of theories and conspiracy theories about ***** ****** and so on, so forth, correct? ******net Rep: That's right. NC: Did ***** cause 9/11? ******net Rep: I think so. NC: Is he responsible for the war in Iraq? ******net Rep 2: Fred Phelps would tell you that. NC: That means yes, that means yes, ***** caused the war in Iraq, email--that address, right there--email it to him, send (inaudible) ******net Rep: You're putting words in his mouth, sir. NC: Am I? Get a shot of his mouth Uses hand to control Rep 2's mouth ******net Rep 2 (controlled by NC): ***** caused the war in Iraq! NC: See, you heard it right here, you heard it right here. ******net Rep: Are those ******* ******* Cliffnotes? NC: Yeah, they're Cliffnotes. Want 'em? I'll sell 'em to you for a thousand...pennies. ******net Rep: That's a good deal dude, that's a good deal. ******: It's top secret, that is. NC: Well it's just about 10 minutes until the books are gonna be released, let's go look at the lines! Montage of the lines NC: That was the line for the books that were NOT reserved. This is the line for the books that ARE. Montage of an even more ridiculous line NC: It's like 10 times longer! I mean what the hell...IT'S RESERVED! Isn't that the idea of reserving a book, so you don't HAVE to stand in line? Is that some kind of like ******** logic, I mean it makes no sense! I think it's because Americans are proud of waiting in line. I don't know why, we just get a sick thrill out of it. Standing in one spot is not hard. Anyone can do it. *I* can do it! Watch! ...You see? Now gimme a book. NC (talking through a window to a bookstore employee): Nine minutes! Come on, eight minutes, you know? What, we gotta wait till it's 12:00? Kilt Man: Exactly. NC: "Exactly." This coming from a man in a skirt. Someone offscreen: It's not a skirt! It's a kilt! NC: Actually, what are you? What are you dressed as? Kilt man: This is my normal wear. NC (horrified): I apologize from everyone in America. My brain sometimes just dies on me. Stupid white American! (nervous laughter) I don't know anything. Just don't...don't... NC runs away to Benny Hill Theme ******: I shouldn't have said that... NC: Alright kids, 2 minutes to the ***** ****** book, I don't know if there's anything really to be excited about... The crowd roars behind him NC: They seem to be excited. I don't know ******net Rep (on megaphone): One minute NC: One minute now. Cut to the crowd counting down the last 10 seconds; NC begins screeching like a little girl, along with the crowd, getting so riled up he strips off his NC jacket, hat and tie ********: That's totally barbaric! NC: First of all I apologize for the reaction I had before, I was just vocalizing my disgust for the entire thing, it's just totally revolting but, uh, here it is! Here's the copy, ***** ****** and the ******* *******. Man, I'm looking forward to hundreds and hundreds of pages to see how this turns- He simply opens to the back of the book NC: He lives. $30 wasted, I'm goin' to Hooters.